How to Have The Worst Web Summit Ever

Our seven senseless tips to ensure you have minus craic at Web Summit in Lisbon

Web Summit 2016 Lisbon

  1. Make sure to prance around in your brand new startup t-shirt. That way, investors will know to steer clear of you. Watch them wade through an abyss of eager faces as they try to avoid crushing your dreams.
  2. Go to a round table session dressed as a Knight. Yes, nothing else showcases that you mean business quite like a full suit of armour. If you can’t pull a sword from a stone maybe do your best rendition of “knight of the round table”  from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  3. Just presume the WiFi will work seamlessly. This is a tech event right? No need to have a demo version of your product downloaded already just rely on the trusty old internet connection at the summit. Don’t bring a portable charger either. Modern day phones always last a day.
  4. It’s simple to say thank you in Portuguese. Women say “Obrigada” and Men say “Obrigado”. I always remember the male one because it rhymes with avocado and avocados are delicious.
  5. Don’t look at the speaker list in advance so it’s a surprise when you get there. Yay, everybody loves surprises. You’ll have investors and b-list celebs on the back foot when you don’t have a notion who they are. Nobody likes a fan boy.
  6. Don’t go to the Pub. Instead, just watch Neflix in your hotel room. Black Mirror and Peep Show have new seasons online so just watch them. Chatting in pubs requires some social skills and let’s face it, us techies suck at that.
  7. Remember that investors aren’t real people. They are just empty vessels swanning through a construed reality. Don’t try and be their friend just try and suck the money from their soulless avatar like a dementor or a small child finishing off a Mr.Freeze ice pop.

p.s I could really go for a Mr.Freeze right now

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